The Size of It

I had an endocrinologist appointment this passed Wednesday. She was amazing, didn’t ask for proof that I was trans, didn’t freak out when I eventually fessed up to having been suicidal in the past, encouraged me to find a therapist but didn’t make treatment contingent upon that, helped me figure out a way to deal with two other doctor’s offices that appeared to be giving me trouble because I was trans, and so on and so forth. A couple hours later my blood and urine samples had been taken, and now I’ve got another appointment with her this coming Wednesday.

And now it’s hit me how big this is. How drastic. Transitioning is real now. It’s big and it’s scary. The part of me that is always afraid of change is louder now, shouting that I don’t have to do this after all, that maybe I can just change my name and live half way.

I know it’s not an option. I know it’s just insecurity. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of getting what I want. I’m afraid of trusting myself with this kind of decision. Transitioning is the right thing to do.

But the size of it!


3 thoughts on “The Size of It

  1. “helped me figure out a way to deal with two other doctor’s offices that appeared to be giving me trouble because I was trans”

    If there is a trans community forum, you should post their information so people know to avoid being discriminated against and to find another doctor.

    If there isn’t a trans community forum, you should start one!

  2. I don’t have proof in either case. One has been sorta-resolved, and appears to be a clerical error, the other is a problem caused by a secretary who may simply be incompetent. The clerical error I fixed up by calling the insurance company and confirming that everything was hunky dory on their end; it is, so mom and I are just going to ignore the doctor’s request for more money. The secretary issue has, hopefully, been resolved by faxing an official request for medical records from the new doctor’s office. If she refuses, then we’re going to have an issue.

    I’m definitely not taking this laying down, and will warn the community if it seems like there is a real issue here, but right now it’s premature to do this.

  3. Yay! I’m glad you are finally finding a compassionate and competent doctor. Yes, transitioning is a really big deal. But you know what? Giving yourself the freedom to be who you really are inside is something you owe yourself. Every person deserves the chance to live an authentic existence. Sometimes the things in life we’re “supposed” to do to fill our niche are also the most terrifying, especially if we’ve been living in situations that are more like mere survival than actual life. Look to yourself for strength, because you are smart and capable.

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