I have been slow in posting here for several weeks now. The blog had become unrelentingly bleak, and was difficult to face. At the same time, I did not want to lie, and pretend things were better than they were. So I said nothing.
I hope that those days are behind me now. I think I have turned a corner. This last Tuesday I went in for an interview at a call center in Beaverton, OR. They offered me the position, and I accepted. There was a final hurdle in figuring out how I was going to get there on time for my training hours, which start at such a time that it would be impossible for me to be on time if I rode public transit from my friends’ house in East Portland, but some family members who live in Beaverton are offering me their hospitality for a month or so while I earn my first paycheck and find a new place to stay.
I am incomparably relieved by this. A job changes everything for me now. I won’t have to be a charity case for much longer. I won’t have to worry about where I’m going to sleep and how I’m going to eat anymore. I will be able to afford new clothes, and most importantly electrolysis and hormone refills. I can pay my own way now, and can claim the dignity that goes with that.
On a less pressing, but just as emotionally fraught note, the job is at a call center, so I can dye my hair blue. The notion of bodily autonomy, and the right to experiment with my look has become very important to me of late. I was terrified that I’d get a job that required me to adhere to someone else’s aesthetic standard.
This job changes everything for me. At the beginning of the year, I was more sure than not that I wouldn’t see the end of it. I didn’t see any possible way for my situation to improve. Now I will be working at a job that will pay me more money than I’ve ever made in my life.
I’ve been through so many disappointments, so many meltdowns, that it’s hard for me to believe that this will really turn out okay. Part of me waits for it to come crashing down. But I think this time might be different.
I think I’ll try to enjoy this strange new thing, this optimism.