I sing to myself. Never with my own voice, with someone else’s. With the earphones in and my lips moving, I can pretend I sound like I should. My voice is a boy’s, and I can’t bear to sing with it.
There are ways to fix this. With a little bit of effort and practice, trans women can sound like testosterone never poisoned their voice. There is a surgery that allegedly helps as well, but it is expensive and risky and doesn’t always work; it’s nowhere near worth the risk. And besides, voice training is cheap or free, so what’s the problem?
I think it’s that I’m scared. When I try to do a girl voice, I sound like an asthmatic walrus. What if I always sound fake?
More than that, I like my current voice. I like the way I laugh. I like the way I can resonate deep in my chest. I like how my normal voice is slightly high for a man, but if I want to sing low I can hit the fucking basement. I like the way I sound.
And I hate it. It’s far too masculine. I can’t sing with it. People on the phone will call me ‘sir’ for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to pass with it.
I’m torn, and so I never quite get around to practicing. I never quite get around to exercising it. It’s always something I’ll start on tomorrow.
And until then, when I’m alone, I sing with another woman’s voice.