Of Milestones and Motivations

The transition process is heavily front-loaded with milestones. The first, obviously, is figuring out you’re trans. Other early markers are the first time you think of yourself as a girl in an absent minded context (eg your internal monologue says sigh, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do), adopting a female persona online, and of course the big one, coming out. There are loads of others; I recall at one point getting annoyed with the number for firsts I was encountering in a given week, as it had become monotonous to realize over and over that it was the first time that X had happened.

But then it smooths out and milestones stop coming so fast. You’ve broken through most of them, now it’s just refining and developing your transition further. Today I had my frist milestone in a while. I got clocked for girl today by someone who didn’t know me. She was a worker at the Subway next to my work, and when I came in the door, she stuck her head into the back room and said “Jack, can you take care of her so that I can finish up with this paperwork?”

It took me a moment to realize she meant me, and for a moment I sat in quiet surprise. I’m wearing my boy clothes, even! I was passing, I was fucking passing. And it was easy, so easy. I haven’t even shaved today, I’ve got a tiny bit of stubble. But pull my hair back into a pony tail and to some people, I’m a chick.

At least until I open my mouth. She looked up right sharply when I started to talk. That introduced a quiet note of sadness into the occasion, but I still had a huge grin on my face.

This is a wonderful threshold to cross; I can’t quite tell you how good it feels, it’s a subtle quiet joy of purity and lightness, but it brings with it a complication. Suddenly, my voice seems like a much more pressing problem. I think I’ve found my motivation to practice.