Looking Forward, Looking Back

2011 was the worst year I’ve ever had. It seems cliche and self-pitying to recap the reasons why. For the past week I’ve been wrestling with how to write my year end roundup, to meet my obligation to be touching and profound at the turn of the year. Fuck it, I can’t. I’m just so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of the titantic struggles that marked my last three years: get into grad school, get a Master’s, survive being homeless, transition.

So this next year is one of modest ambitions. No big picture shit. No major life achivements. The goal of 2012 is to clean up the wreckage. I’ve finished tying off the bloody stump of my academic ambitions, and settled into a comfortably dead end job. Now I’m giong to learn how to keep my apartment clean. Learn how to cook at home five nights a week. Change my name. Get some new clothes. Little things. I don’t think I could survive another string of failures like the one I had between 2009 and 2011.

I need to be healthy, and to be healthy I need to get my life under control. I want that to be second nature. In my darker moments, I wonder if it ever can be. There are people who work here at the call center who have been doing this for ten or fifteen years. I’m scared of ending up like them. I’m terrified to think that even that might be too much to dream of.

Despite it all, I still harbor a great deal of ambition. I want to go places, and do things. I want to be someone who matters to the world. Even just a small part of it. I want to be more than a drone on the help line. But those are dreams for next year. First I have to conquer being a drone.

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4 thoughts on “Looking Forward, Looking Back

  1. From one person answering phones until something gives to another, I’m always here 🙂

    Give yourself credit. You got through that. Its not like life offered you a choice of problems and you picked the fuck-you-up-and-leave-you-cold hat trick (transgender, family and friends bailing, long term unemployment) for the thrill of it. I may have naive moxie, but damn girl, you’ve got strength.

    I know it doesn’t always feel that way. Its hard to look at falling short of goals as a success. But I do admire you anyway.

    And you know how I know you won’t get trapped there for 15 years? Look at what you wrote. I can tell right now that you’d find that to be completely unacceptable.

  2. I don’t know how you do it. I’ve been struggling with the small things for years, but 2011 alone was enough to drive me to four serious suicide attempts. I’m very impressed that you were able to last three years of shit and still manage to have enough hope to want to work out the small(er) problems while continuing your transition. Truly inspirational. STAY STRONG!

    • Things only got really desperate this last year, but it came on the tail of two years of increasing frustration and disappointment. I never got as far as attempting, but I got pretty close.

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