Triggered

I saw the new trailer for Pixar’s Brave.

It is glorious and beautiful and funny and poignant. It’s everything I could hope for from Pixar’s first film to feature a girl as the hero. This movie will be fantastic and moving. I must see it. I have not felt a such a imperitive need to see a movie since I was a child. I have a feirce, urgent longing.

But watching this trailer cuts me up inside. This film will shatter me. A plucky young girl constrained by gender defies family and convention to seize her own destiny no matter the cost. She will surely be put on a quest of self discovery, where she will face perils great and numerous while learning an important life lesson, before finally self-actualizing as the woman she wants to be. And all the while reminding me that she gets for free what I have to bleed for.

Cyanide catnip.

That’s the worst part of being trans; how vulnerable it makes you. I hate this. I hate that I get hurt like this. It can sneak up on you, slash you to the quick, and leave you curled up and screaming while everyone stands around wondering what’s wrong. Sometimes it’s stuff you love, or want to love, and that hurts the worst.

I will see this film. I must see this film. I should probably avoid seeing it in public.

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8 thoughts on “Triggered

  1. Something that I noticed that crops up time and again is triggers. I never realized that I could be so sensitive to things, and that something that I don’t expect to affect me, does. This usually happens to me at work. When it hits, I either try to squelch it or go somewhere by myself and have a good cry.

    Since I’ve started transitioning, I haven’t cried so much in my lifetime. This is not always a bad thing though. For me it’s a sign that my heart is expressing itself.

    Ciao!
    Sarah

    • I’m going to need to kick people out of my living room and watch the DVD alone or with a very close friend.

  2. Wish we could get together and have a pity party/movie night. I always remind myself to be grateful for what I have and finding/expressing the real me, but it still burns to think what might have been when faced with so many examples of what others take for granted from birth.

    • God, I can imagine it now. A bunch of trans chicks watching the flick and bursting out into tears at random moments, triggered either by the film or each other.

  3. It’s funny I used to never thought about my triggers much, they were just things that bugged me or made me mad or sad & vanished, but after last year -a certain event which I shall not mention occurred then- I see those triggers constantly to where going to work or the mall can overload me, I keep tissues or a sleeve handy at all times just in case. I think it’s no wonder I’m a complainer & always say way too much, there’s so much going on that talking about the minor generally understandable stuff is the only way to cope.

    • Yeah. If I didn’t have this blog to spend time making my whining sound deep and profound, I think I’d explode.

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