I have become obsessed with my reddit karma score. I check it more often than I check my email. I need to know I’m worth something. I need to know that people like the things I say. It is consuming me.

I have a friend who, in my less charitble moments, I think poorly of for how insecure xe is. Then I check my reddit score. Because, you know, I’m so self-assured.

The part of me who is desperate for someone to love thinks that having a relationship would solve this, that if I had a girl to come home to I’d know I was worth something, and wouldn’t need this number to prove it. It is, of course, bullshit.

How do I stop this? How do I feel like I’m worth something without a number telling me so? I want to believe I’m worth something.


7 thoughts on “Validation

  1. This is largely what I’m going through now. The unpleasant part is when you need validation, there’s never enough. Doesn’t matter what the source is or how much you already have, you need more. It’s about finding new sources, good, bad, or otherwise, not relying on more from existing ones. It’s like there’s something that just fails to learn the lesson that “Yes, people DO respect you, what you have to say, and the work you do.”

    I don’t have an answer. I’ll punch anyone who says “Just get over it and accept yourself” because clearly, the incapacity to just do just that by will alone is the problem.

    Are there other places in your life you lack security or stability? Things that raise your stress level and make it harder to shrug off that “need” when it arises? I know it’s gotten worse for me in the past few months as my class and work schedules got harder to maintain and it got harder to find time to sleep. It gets me into a state where I have nothing left to rely on and say “I’m ok” because it feels like *everything* is wrong.

    • I dunno about any other parts of my life that I feel unsettled in. I’m pretty good as far as money is concerned. My job isn’t all I’d like, but I’m surviving it with little trouble. I’ve got a Mage game going that’s the most satisfying creative endevor in years. Still, I crave the nod, the confirmation that I’m doing okay.

  2. “How do I feel like I’m worth something without a number telling me so? ” Maybe by reading these few words; you are a wonderful, loving person and there are many people who love you and value you as a friend. Mwah xoxoxoxo

  3. You are doing something for Andy! Doesn’t that count? Doing something for others is much more satisfying than thinking of yourself all the time.

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