My transition has stalled again. Not chemically, thank god, but in everything but hormones I am standing still. My biggest problem is that I need to learn to dress myself again, and this time I’m super self-concious and am surrounded by people whodon’tlook like an explosion at a thrift store.
I can’t buy girlclothes. I have done it a couple times, and that seems to be all I can do. I will get something, think I like it, and then after a few weeks or even days I hate it and never want to see it again. The problem is I’m hideous, and the clothes emphasize that. I have this magic ability to pick out crap and think it is gold. So now I’m not brave enough to buy clothes anymore. I don’t know what to buy, or where. I am terrified of picking through clothes alone. I can’t take the stares anymore. I feel like such a wimp for being cowed by a few dirty looks, but it really does wear me down.
I try to ask for help from my friends, and they always ask that same fucking question: “Well, what do you like?”
I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I HAVEN’T HAD A CHANCE TO FIND OUT!
God DAMNIT when I ask for help, when I say I don’t know what to wear, I mean that I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR. Not, I don’t know what to wear out of a set of options that I have previously winnowed in accordance to my proven tastes. But literally, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR. I don’t know if this goes with that, or if that complements my body type or makes me look even worse than I normally do. I’m not asking for the ball to be thrown back at me.
I ask, and I ask, and I ask and nobody will help me. They all just ask me what I like. You know what I like? To not look like a pathetic monster. That’s what I like. Help me find that. I don’t fucking know what I’m looking for beyond that, that’s why I’m asking.
I am such a disgusting freak. I will never pass. I am scared to work on my voice because it won’t help. I’ll just make myself sound pathetic, too.
I don’t wear my skirt much anymore, because I look disgusting in it. I don’t use the boy’s room at work, though, because I’m scared to go back. So now I’m getting really good at trying to be unnoticed in the women’s room at work.