Stalled Out

My transition has stalled again. Not chemically, thank god, but in everything but hormones I am standing still. My biggest problem is that I need to learn to dress myself again, and this time I’m super self-concious and am surrounded by people whodon’tlook like an explosion at a thrift store.

I can’t buy girlclothes. I have done it a couple times, and that seems to be all I can do. I will get something, think I like it, and then after a few weeks or even days I hate it and never want to see it again. The problem is I’m hideous, and the clothes emphasize that. I have this magic ability to pick out crap and think it is gold. So now I’m not brave enough to buy clothes anymore. I don’t know what to buy, or where. I am terrified of picking through clothes alone. I can’t take the stares anymore. I feel like such a wimp for being cowed by a few dirty looks, but it really does wear me down.  

I try to ask for help from my friends, and they always ask that same fucking question: “Well, what do you like?”


God DAMNIT when I ask for help, when I say I don’t know what to wear, I mean that I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR. Not, I don’t know what to wear out of a set of options that I have previously winnowed in accordance to my proven tastes. But literally, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR. I don’t know if this goes with that, or if that complements my body type or makes me look even worse than I normally do. I’m not asking for the ball to be thrown back at me.

I ask, and I ask, and I ask and nobody will help me. They all just ask me what I like. You know what I like? To not look like a pathetic monster. That’s what I like. Help me find that. I don’t fucking know what I’m looking for beyond that, that’s why I’m asking.

I am such a disgusting freak. I will never pass. I am scared to work on my voice because it won’t help. I’ll just make myself sound pathetic, too.

I don’t wear my skirt much anymore, because I look disgusting in it. I don’t use the boy’s room at work, though, because I’m scared to go back. So now I’m getting really good at trying to be unnoticed in the women’s room at work.


3 thoughts on “Stalled Out

  1. Owee, owee, owee 😦 So sorry for you sister. I really can’t offer any advice but I can send you my very best wishes and a super dooper big HuGG. I completely understand the feeling of being a disgusting freak – spent a long time feeling the same way but I didn’t have any option but to push on through (it was back when I became homeless and all I had were girl clothes) but I was lucky enough to have help from other women both in selecting things and also in what they gave me. Hope someone can offer some helpful advice. Very, very best wishes to you.

  2. Here’s what I like, in hopes that it will give you some ideas:

    I like ”classic” clothes, a lot of neutral colors like black and gray, black pants are good, because you can dress them up or down. A nice pair of flats works best for me, I hate teetering around in heels. I avoid t-shirts because they make me look like a teenager because I’m so short. Blouses are better. Patterns that aren’t too flashy or no patterns at all. I try to keep it simple and sleek, and dark. I’m not a big color person.

    I like modcloth a lot:

    A couple I can see right now that I like are

    They are expensive though, I rarely buy from them. I use them as a springboard to find the same thing for cheaper.

    I like A-line skirts too, but nothing too ruffly:

    I like these things too:
    Blousy cardigans. You can throw them over a solid color t-shirt, add a dangly necklace, and look pretty damn fancy.

    Because I’m fair, deeper colors look better on me, light colors and pastels wash me out. Burgundy, chocolate brown, dark reds, forest greens, and purple looks best on me. And black, of course.

    I do all my shopping online now. I hate going out to shop. If you hunt around amazon and etsy, you can often find great deals. I sometimes spend an hour or two on etsy, just looking and favoriting things that catch my eye.

    Hope this gives you some ideas! 🙂

    • …thank you. This is what nobody ever gives me. Recommendations and suggestions and instructions on how to do things.

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