Winter Update

Holy crap has it been four months?

Well. I suppose I have catching up to do.

The day after my last post, I was fired. My manager will swear up and down that he fired one of his best agents because I wasn’t living up to standards, but that’s bullshit. I was fired because I was trans. I’ve been limping along ever since. Had a few scary episodes, but my sister helped me through them. I’d rather put it all behind me, so I’m not going into much detail. Suffice to say, there were some very black moments where I thought it was all going to happen again.

But it won’t. I’m stronger than I was before. And, if worst truly comes to worst, my sister owns a house now. I don’t really have to worry about having nowhere to go. But I don’t want to leave Portland, if I can avoid it. I don’t want to admit defeat.

There’s an amazing program offered by Oregon State University to do a 1-year program that comes with a BS in Computer Science at the end. It’s for people, like me, who have a Bachelor’s that’s not doing anything for them. It’s pricey, though. I’m doing a scholarship trawl to try and defray the cost before I resort to loans.

Learned helplessness is a horrid, toxic thing. It’s something I fight every day. The first time I tried to sit down and look at scholarships–this happened about a month ago–I got sick to my stomach. The nausea disappeared the moment I closed the scholarship book. I’d become scared to take responsibility for my life, to make big plans and big decisions. Historically, my big decisions haven’t worked out well for me. One can only hope I’ve taken enough lumps and learned enough hard lessons that I’ll do better this time.

I investigated the possibility of doing a similar program at PSU rather than the one through OSU. It’s not looking like it will be an option, though. A bright note, however: for some reason, I’m no longer feeling ill when I look at a scholarship book. I’ve been searching through this book all night, and have seen several interesting opportunities. My goal–to apply for $100,000 worth of scholarships in hope of getting the $30,000 I need to pay for school–is wildly ambitious, but it’s not like I’ve got a huge list of things demanding my time these days.

I just finished up a temp job, which I suppose means I must find another job soon. I hate job hunting. All the more reason to return to school, at least for a year, I suppose.

I am officially estranged from my father now. Good riddance.

I finished my book. I don’t know if I said that before. Yes, I finished it. Finally. I’ve shopped it around to some agents. One seemed interested until a senior agent at his agency stepped on it, and said it was too dark to sell. Another agent requested the full manuscript, but I haven’t heard from her in six weeks. That’s not hugely worrisome or unheard of in the publishing industry, though. Angry Robot Books is doing an open call for submissions until the end of the year. If I’ve not heard back from the second agent by mid-December, I’m going to submit it on my own to Angry Robot.

The sequel is proving to be very difficult. I’ve decided to put off work on it until I get an actual bite from someone in publishing. In the meantime, I’ve begun work on a YA book about a transgender superhero. The idea is to write the book I wish I’d been able to read when I was 15.

I think I’m going to try to keep this blog more up to date going forward. It’s really soothing, and helps keep the black despair at bay.

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6 thoughts on “Winter Update

  1. Wow, I was about to delete the email this post arrived in thinking it was another old repeat like the other 15 or so that arrived right before it! So glad that I didn’t. Really good to get an update and know that you’re still hanging in there. I completely understand the depths of despair that utter hopelessness bring on, so I’m really happy that you made it through. Much good luck with the scholarship hunt. My descent into chaos an darkness left me so completely devoid of finances that I qualified for Pell Grant funds and that continues to pay my way through college.

    As ever, many good wishes and much good luck to you.

  2. Oh my god, okay, it’s not just me that suddenly got 19 WordPress update notifications, haha. I was like, “2011?? 19 posts?! What the–” XD But I swear I didn’t get notifications for most of the other entries. O___O; Um… this is a blanket response to say that I’m going to read all your posts and you’re in my thoughts, but I definitely will not have time to comment on them – aside from that most of them are very old now, my mother is going to hospital this week so I’ll be preoccupied with family. =\

    D: I’m sorry to hear you were fired, that sucks… D: Were you part of a union or anything to protest the treatment? Or are you trying to just put it all behind you?

    A one-year CS BS program??? That… seems sort of mind-blowing? XD Are you taking like eight classes a term or something? I imagine it’s a post-bacc, yeah? I can’t speak for PSU’s CS program, since that’s not my department…

    I wish I could be estranged from my father, but I have a feeling I’ll never quite get rid of him. =\ Especially since I’d like to actually stay in touch with one or two of my cousins on his side…

    Ahhh! Congrats on finishing your book! I think being told it’s “too dark to sell” is kind of interesting, and pretty encouraging – that you’re willing to step up and write something that pushes people’s comfort levels. 😀 A transgender superhero sounds fucking awesoooome, though! I’m so happy to have a m/m mainstream superhero couple (although I don’t know of any f/f ones, unfortunately…) (and Loki is kind of genderbendy, but he’s generally a male villain moreso than trans, so…) (if you can’t tell, I’m sort of obsessed with superhero stuff right now…). Tell us more about this story?

    • Thanks for the congrats!

      The YA story is about a trans kid who is secretly painting her nails in an alley behind a mall when the greatest superhero in the world falls out of the sky next to her, on the edge of death. He gives her his powerset so that it won’t be lost, and dies. One of the things his powerset does is that it alters the body to be as close to the user’s ideal as possible, so she instantly transitions. The rest of the story is fallout from that.

      • That is kind of awesome, and if I still drew regularly I’d be all OVER that. 😀 Although I sort of wish the body alteration was also gradual, but that’s just because I almost always like slow-progress kinds of stories, haha. It’s kind of like a mix of Empowered and Kashimashi… Emp being a girl with body image issues who gets sent a suit that makes her superheroine (definitely largely humour) and Kashimashi involving a boy who accidentally gets killed by an alien spaceship, so they rebuild his body and bring him back as an apology, but he’s brought back as a she. XD Obviously your story doesn’t sound like it’s shoujo comedy the way these are, but those are still what came to mind, haha.

  3. I LOVE Empowered. It’s definitely a huge influence on how I’m doing the superhero world in this, although the local superteam isn’t quite the bag of jerkasses that the Super Homies are.

    • Seriously, f*** the Super Homies! Oh, god, Mindf*ck… ;_____; I love love love her and Ninjette and the Caged Demon Wolf so very, very much, but Ninjette’s life breaks my heart. And I’m sort of ridiculously in love with the way Adam Warren draws feet, especially toes – omg. ♥ Not a fan of the pouty-lipped babydoll face, but I love the expressiveness – and the latex! *fangirl gushes*

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