Progress at last

Those last entries, I hope, will be the end of worrying that I cannot transition successfully. Over the past few days I’ve realized, in a very short period of time, that I am getting correctly gendered much more frequently than I had thought. If I wear the right clothes and put a little effort into it, I can be gendered correctly enough to notice that it’s happening. This lasts for as long as it takes me to open my mouth, and so now I finally am getting around to doing my voice.

A friend on Twitter has taken an interest and is helping me with this. I think something is different this time because before I always had excuses to put this part off. Thinking about trying to improve my voice scared me, scared me in a way that’s difficult to describe. Every few months I’d get over my fear and try to do it for maybe an hour or two at a time. Then I’d scurry away, terrified and ashamed, and let the matter drop for a while longer. But now I can’t wait to get off work so I can go home and work on my voice.

The plan is to sing, and use that to strengthen my throat. I’m also going to be experimenting with recording myself–note to self, find hand-recorder–to hear the difference in what I’m trying to do. There’s a whole subreddit dedicated to this stuff that I’ll go through as well, I think.

I’m still scared, but now I’m excited, too.

Shhh, don’t jinx it!

My writing is back.

For the past six days I have been writing like a maniac. I’m up to 9,000 words on a new manuscript. It is pouring out of me. I don’t know what happened. The change has been so abrupt my head is still spinning.

Words cannot describe how gratifying this is. How good this feels. The closest approximation I can think of is it is like getting a superpower back.

I am so intensely happy.